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Miss
Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had
never been married.
She was
admired for her sweetness and kindness to
all.
One
afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her
quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat
while
she prepared tea. As he sat facing her
old
Hammond organ, the young
minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it. The
bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated,
of all things, a condom!
When she
returned with tea and scones, they began
to
chat, the pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the
bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it
got the better of him and he could no longer
resist. "Miss Beatrice," he said, "I wonder if you
would tell me about this?" pointing to the
bowl.
"Oh,
yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking
through the park a few months ago and I found this little
package on the ground. The directions said to place it on
the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread
of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all
winter."
E-Mail Alert JOTW
Oct 11, 2008 | 3:03 AM PST
Category:
Entertainment
If you get an e-mail titled "Nude Pictures of Sarah Palin" in thesubject line, do not open it. It may contain a virus. If you get an e-mail titled "Nude Photos of Hillary Clinton" in thesubject line, do not open it. It may contain nude photos of HillaryClinton .
There
were two nuns..
One
of them was known as Sister Mathematical(SM),
and the other
one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting
dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM:
Have you noticed that a man h as been following us for
the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder
what he wants.
SL: It's logical..
He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate
he will reach us in 15 minutes
at the most! What
can we do?
SL:
The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM:
It's not working.
SL: Of
course it's not working. The man did the only
logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM : So, what
shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is
split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot
follow us both.
So the man decided to follow
Sister Logical.
Sister
Mathematical arrives
at the convent and is
worried about what has
happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister
Logical
arrives.
SM: Sister
Logical! Thank God you are here!
Tell me
what happened!
SL: The only logical thing
happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he
followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what
happened then?
SL: The only logical thing
happened. I started to run
as fast as I could and
he started to run as fast as he could.
SM:
And?
SL
: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM
: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL
: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM
: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing
to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh,
no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical,
Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a
man with his pants down.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
And for
those of you who thought it would be dirty,
Say two Hail Marys!
Gone fishing :) JoTW
Oct 11, 2008 | 2:45 AM PST
Category:
Entertainment
One Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck,
and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio,
and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 20 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that mess?'
I still don't know to this day if she was joking, but I've stopped fishing.
Breaking News JOTW:)
Oct 5, 2008 | 7:34 AM PST
Category:
Entertainment
In 2009 the government will start deporting all of the weird old people.
I started crying when I thought of you.
Run, my Friend, RUN !!!!
Well....what can I say....someone sent it to me! I'm not going alone.
EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS
HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT.
SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM . .
.
'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I
think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm
going crazy.'
'Just put yourself in my hands for
one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three
times a week and we should be able to get rid of
those fears.'
'How much do you
charge?' 'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the
doctor.
'I'll sleep on it,' I said.
Six
months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't
you ever come to see me about those fears you were
having?' he asked.
'Well, Eighty bucks a visit
three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A
bartender cure d me for $10. I was so happy
to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a
new pickup!'
'Is that so! With an attitude he
asked . . . and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure
you?'
'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! -
Ain't nobody under there now ! ! !
'
S**** THOSE SHRINKS.. GO HAVE A DRINK
& TALK TO YOUR
BARTENDER!
CANNON BALLS !!!
It was necessary to keep a good supply of
cannon balls near the cannon on old war ships.. But how to prevent them
from rolling about the deck was the problem. The best storage method
devised was to stack them as a square based pyramid, with one ball on
top, resting on four, resting on nine, which rested on sixteen.
Thus,
a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next
to the cannon. There was only one problem -- how to prevent the bottom
layer from sliding/rolling from under the others.
The solution
was a metal plate with 16 round indentations, called, for reasons
unknown, a Monkey. But if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls
would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to
make them of brass - hence, Brass Monkeys.
Few
landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than
iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far,
the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls
would come right off the monkey.
Thus, it was quite literally, cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey. And all this time, you thought that was just a vulgar expression, didn't you?
***************
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted
wife.
She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about
ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a
drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she
decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around
the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a
lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked hard and the ranch
was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said "You have done a really good job,
and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday
night.
He returned around 2:30 am, and upon entering the room, he found
the
rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for
him.
She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did
as she directed.
"Now take off my boots." He did as she
asked, ever so slowly.
"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them
neatly
by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly
watching
her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra." Again,
with trembling hands did as he was told and dropped it to the
floor.
Then she looked at him and said: "If
you ever wear my clothes
into town again, you're fired!"
Today In Chat
Sep 1, 2008 | 8:40 PM PST
Category:
Entertainment
I would like to know why I got flagged? and How long does it last. I did nothing wrong!!
and even if I had the monitor didn't seam to say a thing..And it would have been up to them to boot me not some kid just because someones says to flag some one.
all I said and I quote " Please speak English, so us dummies can understand.. " meaning myself..I don't speak Spanish and I know the people who were talking were Bilingual so I don't see a problem?
Next thing I know I got flagged.. So Please tell me what I did wrong?
There were several Fox employee's in the chat room at the time so I know had I done something so wrong they would have spoke up. Thanks and Good Bye I don't stay were I'm not wanted.
As We Get Older :) JOTW
Aug 29, 2008 | 7:58 PM PST
Category:
Entertainment
Ramblings of a Retired Mind
I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener. I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call blue teeth, I think.
You know, I spent a f
ortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.
I
was thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you still
have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.'
I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age, and call it 'Pumping Rust'.
I've gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!
Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, 'A Good Doctor'!
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals.
As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.
HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK
1. Open a new file in your computer.
2. Name it 'Barack Obama'.
3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.
4. Empty the Recycle Bin.
5. Your PC will ask you: 'Do you really want to get rid of 'Barack Obama?'
6. Firmly Click 'Yes.'
7. Feel bet
ter?
GOOD! - Tomorrow we'll do Nancy Pelosi!
Birds of a Feather JOTW:)
Aug 28, 2008 | 4:22 AM PST
Category:
Entertainment
Did you know that eagles mate for life?
Well, one day Harry the eagle waited
at the nest for Mary, his darling of 10 glorious years. After a while
when she didn't return he went looking and found her. She had been
shot. Dead!
Harry was devastated, but after about
six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another
mate but since there weren't any lady eagles available he'd have to
cross the feather barrier.
So he flew off to find a new mate. He
found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest. The sex was good
but all the dove would say is 'I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a
DOVE, I want to love!'
Well this got on Harry's nerves so he
kicked the dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate.
He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest. Again
the sex was good but all the loon would say is, 'I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!' So out with the loon.
Once more he flew off to find a mate.
This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the
nest. This time the sex was great, but all the duck would say was.....
(scroll down)
No, the duck didn't say THAT !
... Don't be SO disgusting. !
The duck said, 'I am a DRAKE, You made a MISTAKE !!!!!!!!!!
Poor Bob JOTW;)
Aug 22, 2008 | 5:09 AM PST
Category:
Entertainment
Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and
plays golf every Saturday.
His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she
takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.
When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and
brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she
know that you drink Budweiser?'
'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.
I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob,
starts to rub herself all over
him and says,
'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'
Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him
for someone else, but his wife is having none of it
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4
letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says,
'Geez Bob, you picked up a real b**** this time.'
BOB's funeral will be on Friday.
20 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label it 'In'.
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Smuggling Diamonds'.
7. Finish All Your sentences with 'In Accordance With The Prophecy'.
8. Don't use any punctuation.
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
13. Go To A Poetry Recital. And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area and Play tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because
You're Not In the Mood.
16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'
18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling
'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'
20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity ..
Send This To Someone To Make Them Smile.
Its Called ... therapy.
I do Hope None of you do any Of these thing, It was meant as a Joke.
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