Dark_Fairy use to be a Red_Fenix

Thanks to my very good friend Cybertooth (who spilled the beans in

my blog) I am very happy to tell everyone that my dark writing is going

to appear in the first Houston edition of the Gonzo Journal. I am very

excited about this and will keep you all updated. ~DF

Thanks to

M.T.D.THE SENIOR EDITOR OF THE GONZO JOURNAL

Alone in her darkness she allowed no one to know how far she had gone or how deep she had dug herself. She no longer connected with them she only existed. She watched them all live their lives around her while she inside just wanted to be alone.  She felt smothered in her own skin and she felt like she was being suffocated when he got near her. Her anger towards him was over whelming so she kept her distance. She no longer spoke to him as lovers do; he had disappointed and broken her heart too many times. He was the reason that she had fled back to her dark prison. He was once a kindred spirit to her and now he was such a stranger.  They would never find each other again; they would never be as they once were. She still held him in her heart but he no longer held the place he once did. She loved him as a friend now and she was willing to let him go like so many others that had saddened her. She was no longer the woman she once was; she now was just a shell.

She lay in her bed with her man beside her, her heart beating erratically, she could not breath. She would die in this bed was the thought that repeated itself over and over in her mind. She wanted to run she wanted to scream. Her life was slowing crumbling around her and all she could do was dig herself deeper and deeper into the abyss of her darkness.

This picture was taken soon after my son yelled to the fish in the river

 "Show yourselves bastards!!"

It worked! (yes we got upset with him for saying that word)

He has ZERO patience, we had only been fishing for a couple of hours. DF

This picture was taken soon after my son yelled to the fish in the river

 "Show yourselves bastards!!"

It worked! (yes we got upset with him for saying that word)

He has ZERO patience, we had only been fishing for a couple of hours. DF

Hi guys!! Guess what? I screwed up on my diet the last time ...again!  I am a trooper though and I got back on the horse but not before I gained about 10lbs.

Easter Sunday I woke up and walked to the potty room like I always do. I got on the scale for the first time since my last weight blog and guess what it said?

260 pounds

Well I guess I don't have to tell you that I was SHOCKED!! I weighed as much as I did when I went into the hospital 9 months pregnant!!! (I got home from having my son I was 220lb I had 40lbs of baby and retained fluids because of all of the meds I was on.) How in the heck did I get to be as heavy as I was at 9 months pregnant? How does one allow themselves to get this way? I had to do something.

So what did I do when I saw this huge number on the scale? I cried then I cried some more then I ate something crappy. I got online and came across a story of a woman a year older than me, my height and my weight. She had a heart attack. This story went on to describe her triple bypass in great detail. I was pretty convinced by that time that I did not want that to be me. The story was not over yet. This woman says in the story "Do you think this event woke me up to getting healthy?" The answer was no, four months later she was at her all time high 300lbs and she had a stroke. She was 33 years old, I am 32. She weight 300 lbs I was catching up to her at 260 lbs. I read all about what she had to endure to regain some of what she once was. She will never be the same again so she wrote this story on some medical website that I have been searching for ever since so I can email her and thank her.

Well needless to say I got my big $%# on a low carb low fat diet that day, yes EASTER SUNDAY! I told myself that I was not just cheating myself I was cheating those around me and mainly my son. Always too tired to play with him and too big to ride on any rides with him. I had to wake up and make a change.

Now 1 month later. I have lost 21 lbs and I feel great. I do not have any cravings and when I do I ask myself "does that taste as good as thin feels?" I also tell myself that when I cheat I am not just cheating me I am cheating my son. I don't cheat my son.

National Poetry Month

This is a little ditty I wrote a few years ago. I have to say that it is also my most prized poem because of the message within it. When I wrote this I was coming out of a dark place.

 I STAND…

I burn with rage when the flood of ill repent memories rushes me!
I condemn myself for all the idiocy I allowed myself to carry out or endure.
The flood has no remorse for me; it drowns me with its acid recollections.
I stand bold and unflinchingly brave, but deep inside… I curl up with
fear and pain remembering all the tears and wretchedness.
I stand as it rushes me with all the inanity that I have accomplished in my lifetime
I stand gallantly bearing its blows, but slowly falling apart like the
sand of a child's castle when the tide comes in.
I stand as it shrieks…L E T G O…L E T G O….L E T G O
I stand as I feel myself overwhelmed with the wrath of past wounds…
I stand as I am submerged in this burning flood of pain, anger and rage
I stand and a fury overtakes me… I scream; "I CAN'T LET GO!"
I stand as this flood of blazing torture now whispers to me…
"You can never heal if you never let go of the pain."

Do you all have any poems that contain volumes of your life within their words?

Hi guys sorry I have been missing in action. My computer at home crashed. You want to know why? WINDOWS UPDATES!!!! Yup you heard me right. I have been talking to a HP tech since March 14 trying to fix my computer.

You know what he told me? He said NEVER let your computer automatically update. The tech said that the updates corrupt your files. I had no idea my computer was updating. I have Windows Vista and it does that unless you change it to manual. I never thought that Bill Gates would crash my computer. It kind of makes you wonder if they do this on purpose to milk more money out of you. Thank goodness my computer was still under warranty because now I have to ship them my computer so that they can fix it. Imagine what that would have cost me!

The tech said that I should log on to HP's website and they will tell me what they recommend I download.

Has anyone else ever had this happen? How can they get away with this? I think they (Windows) should pay to have your computer fixed if it was an update they sent your computer that made it crash.

Well just my thoughts! I will try to blog from work if I have a chance till I get my computer up and running again.

The same weight is better then gaining. I am the same today that I was last week. I did not really make an effort either to be honest. What is that old saying "If you always do what you have always done then you get what you always got" or something like that. I did not make any huge changes this week so therefore I did not get a change. Hubby did mention that I am eating less then I normally do so that is great especially since I did not notice it. Guess it was a subconscious change.

Eat half leave half!!

1st Short Term goal = 10% of body weight = 25lbs

How long do I give myself to lose this? Does anyone know? 

 I am working up the nerve to post some pics. It there is a substantial change in the next couple of weeks I will post my before and 4 weeks later pictures.

Have a great week guys.

3/10/08 - 250 lb

Hi guys I am sorry I left you all hanging last week. I had a really bad week last week at work. My food intake and exercise time were not all that great but I still managed to lose 6lbs!! Woo Hoo!!!!!! I am at 250 lbs as of this morning. What have I been doing? LOTS AND LOTS OF WATER!!! I drink a glass of water before I eat my meal and I also have a large cup on my desk that I sip on all day. I have also been eating a lot more fruit and veggies. I also learned a new word. NO!! No I do not need to eat that bag of Cheetoes. No I do not need to share a Twinkie with you. No I do not need a chocolate bar. Good word!!! I hope I keep using it.

So for the rough week (including getting kicked off a carnival ride :-( ) I consider it a huge success. I still do not have a diet plan I am just winging it. I am eating less and I eat slower. I am more then sure the 6 lbs are just water weight but I am still happy to see it go.

 About the carnival ride. My hubby and I took our son to the carnival and he was doing well getting on all of the rides alone. He got on one ride that was like sky gliding well he wanted me to get on with him the second time. I got on and the harness that goes down behind us to lock us in would not go down. Yup my butt is too big!! It was the most embarrassing moment in my life. I got off the ride with my tail between my legs and I just knew everyone was looking at me. I walked over to my husband that was taking pictures of my son. He asked what happen and I told him almost in tears. HE just smiled at me and tried to make it all better like he always does. It did not help. My heart is still wounded. Now can I say that this was a life changing moment? I don’t know yet. I do know that I never want to feel like that again.

 250lbs   5’8”  Large Frame

Hope to see the rest of the Fox 26 Losers post and blog about their diet week.

I have been struggling with my weight for quite a few years now and I have gone on every diet known to man. I know that a diet is not going to help me I need a "Lifestyle Change"> I need to change my eating habits. I am trying to eat cleaner. Fresh and non processed but it gets very confusing. I need help picking things like a loaf of wheat bread is really not a loaf of wheat bread when you read the labels. I need help from any of you "health Buffs" that may know which is the best brand and what will be the best approach.

What should I do? Should I go Vegan? Should I stop eating white? Do I stop eating red meat? I have no idea!!!! I want to eat natural and healthier foods.  I need to lose about 100lbs (my doctor says 75 lbs) and I really want to do it, I am so determined this time. I know that now is the time but I want to do it right. I want to eat better and add exercise to my routine. I am not looking to lose this weight by summer (that would be great) I just want to lose the weight and become healthier.

 HELP!!!

 TexasDebs I know you and Dread will have some input for me.

me -256 lb - 5'8" - Large Frame

Have you ever seen them? Better yet ever been there?

They are sooo cool and they are much bigger on the inside then they look.

this is my mom in the pic.

If you have never been you must go, its just about an hour outside of Houston.

http://www.teepeemotel.net/index.html

Wharton, Texas

979-282-TIPI

I know he was here last month. Where are all the cool bloggers going? COME BACK GUYS WE MISS YOU!!!!! Ok we miss some of you!! If we are not asking about you stay away (JK)!!!

GEEDUBYA3 COME BACK!!!!

CHAASAN  COME BACK!!!!

YAHYAMORO COME BACK!!!! (been gone for waaay to long)

Am I missing anyone?

Well before I am ousted for being a liar and a crazy multi-personality (sp) sckitzo (sp) will out myself. I have blogged occasionally and have commented on a few of my faves PBMom, Randy, TexDebs, Robin, Dreadhead and a few more that I can’t remember right now. The reason I am “coming out” is because of Randy's blog yesterday. I had no malicious reason to have a new name I just did. I did not blog with both names at the same time I just used this one.

I was once known as Red_Fenix and I left for a while when all of the crazies came out.  I was one of the ones that hated having my blog hijacked by one person pretending to be 20 so I just left.

I am sorry I meant nothing by it and I wanted to say something many times but how do you mention such a thing? Do I post as Dark_Fairy formally Red_Fenix? I don’t know but here I am coming clean in case any of you care. I will also understand anyone whis is upset by this.

yours truly

Deb

How old were you when you learned? He is 7 and hates his big boy bike, instead he rides this tiny bike up and down the block.